Sunday, October 24, 2010

Stake Conference

Dear son,

Thank you for ruining what should have been a wonderful experience. You have made today much more difficult than necessary.

The day started out well; I got a good night's sleep, a lovely shower, and I even blow dried and straightened my hair. I almost never do that nowadays. I put on one of my favorite, most flattering shirts and everything.

Of course, I didn't get to wear it because you spit up all over me. Just as we were about to walk out the door. I was already running late and I had to change my clothes. Thank you for making me even later.

But that's not even the worst of it.

No, you were Mr. Grumpy. The whole time. Daddy and Emma stayed home (she has a nasty cough), so it was just you and me. On the stand, with the rest of the choir.

I took you to the mother's room after the first choral number. You were tired and needed to nurse to sleep. You fell asleep...for about 10 minutes. You seemed fine after I bounced you for awhile, so I attempted to go back up on the stand with you. I needed to be up there eventually for the closing number anyway.

Big. Mistake.

You were sooooo grumpy. You cried, squirmed, and fought me like crazy. You flat out refused your pacifier. You turned away any time I tried to put it in your mouth. You didn't want to be on the floor. You weren't content to simply be held. You wanted to nurse to sleep again. Not for hunger's sake, but because you were exhausted.

I can't exactly do that on the stand. A little inappropriate, don't you think?

But I couldn't leave, either. I knew our choral number was coming up soon. And as one of the choir directors, I was part of a solo group. They'd have been fine without me, but...I really wanted to be a part of it. I love the song we sang for closing. I even blogged about it last week. I didn't want to miss it because my son was being a turd.

In your defense, I understand that you were tired. You normally nap at that time of day. If we were home, I'd have nursed you to sleep - despite the fact that I'd just fed you. If I were anywhere else in the congregation, we'd have hung out in the mother's room and done the same.

But we weren't. We were on the stand. Waiting for the final choral number. I couldn't very well walk out in the middle of the stake president's talk.

Instead, we hid on the back of the stand next to the sacrament storage cabinets. Where you cried and grumped some more. Your grumpiness made me grumpy, too. I got so frustrated and angry with you.

I'm sure the whole stake now thinks I'm the worst mother ever.

No, I didn't hit you or anything like that. I would never allow myself to do that.

But I'm sure my anger and frustration was evident for all to see. Hardly the type of attention I want.

And you made me cry. In front of the entire stake. I turned and hid so it wasn't so obvious, but I'm sure everyone could tell anyway.

Especially since my mascara ran. I still have ugly black mascara marks all over.

Way to undo any cuteness I might have achieved by doing my hair and dressing nicely. It was bad enough that you ruined my choice outfit for the day before we even left. But making Mommy cry in front of the whole stake? Bad form, son. Bad form.

I really wish I'd left you home.

Thankfully, I finally got you to fall asleep. You slept through the final choral number. Thank goodness.

Unfortunately, you didn't sleep much beyond that. Another baby joined her mom after. She sat next to us, made some noise, and woke you up.

At least you weren't as grumpy.

You'd probably have woken up when I put you in the car seat anyway. So I guess it works out.

You're still being grumpy now. You still need that nap. I can hear you crying at Daddy in the other room. And I know you want me to nurse you...and I really don't want to right now. I kind of need a break from you.

But I know I will anyway. Even though I really don't want to be around you at all right now.

But you'd better take your dang nap when I do, or you're spending the rest of the day with Daddy.

Is it horrible to say I don't really like you at the moment?

I still love you...but you're not being very likable right now.

I'm not being very likable right now, either.'s kinda your fault.

A few people said things like, "aw, poor baby; it's so hard for them to have church during naptime."

And while that's true, what I needed to hear was, "poor mommy; it's so hard when they're tired and grumpy like that."

Which I didn't hear until after I got home. From your dad, who is thankfully wonderfully understanding.

I don't hear you crying anymore. I hope you're asleep. You need it, and I need it.

I was able to catch some of stake conference between your cries. Most of what I heard was while in the mother's room and after you fell asleep. But what I did hear, I enjoyed.

I just wish you let me hear more of it. I didn't feel as uplifted as I really needed to. It's kind of hard to be spiritual with a baby screaming in my ear.

But at least I got something out of it.

Next time,'re hanging out with Daddy. Mommy needs a break.

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