Challenges and Blessings

Life is hard. We all know it. We all go through times in our lives where it seems to be one challenge after another. Or multiple challenges at once, one on top of another.

The last couple of months have been that way for our family. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat it; it's been rough. But despite all the trials we've gone through and are currently experiencing, we've been so blessed.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of just how blessed we are. It's so easy to get caught up in the "poor me" feelings. And, much as I hate to admit it, I've fallen prey to those feelings entirely too much.

I'm trying to be positive. But it's a struggle. I didn't entirely plan on being pregnant right now. And, as awful as it may sound, I've struggled off and on with being ok with that. Obviously it happened for a reason and I did know in advance. I had a very strong prompting that it would. But I panicked and didn't feel ready for it...and a lot of the time, I still don't. I'm trying to work on that.

I know it's a blessing. I know this child will bless our lives beyond imagining. I know this child is meant to come into our family now. I know we will love this child just as much as the 2 beautiful children we already have.

But it's hard to remember that when I'm beyond exhausted day in and day out. It's hard to remember when I have to eat now or be sick. It's hard to remember when I'm leaning over the toilet or barf bowl. It's hard to remember when I have a massive headache from the fact that water makes me nauseous. It's hard to remember when I see how messy our house gets and I haven't had the energy to clean for 2 months.

And honestly, I haven't even been all that sick. At least not compared to the previous 2. Which is definitely a blessing. One that I constantly have to remind myself of.

I struggle to remember that just the fact that I can get and stay pregnant is a blessing. I know it is. It's beautiful. But remembering that when I feel miserable? It's hard.

A friend recently lost her baby to miscarriage at 7 weeks. My heart just aches for her. I can only imagine the extent of her pain and loss.

I know so many women who've experienced that kind of pain. Whether it be miscarriage, still birth, or losing a child at a young age. It hurts. Or the women who yearn to get pregnant and can't. My heart reaches out to the families who experience this kind of pain. I've never gone through it, so I can't say I know exactly what it's like. Because I don't. And I hope I never truly do. I don't want to go through that kind of trial. But I understand that it hurts.

When I complain about having to change my son's poopy diaper, I should remember that there are women who wish they had a baby to change.

When I gripe about my 3 year old having a night terror in the middle of the night, I should remember that there are women who wish they had a 3 year old to snuggle in the middle of the night.

When I moan about the less pleasant aspects of pregnancy, I should remember that there are women who would do anything to be pregnant.

When I complain about my husband being in school, I should remember that there are people who would love the opportunity to get an education.

When I mope about living in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment, I should remember that there are families who don't have a home.

We are truly blessed. Sometimes the challenges shove their way in and make it harder to see. But other times, trials are the best time to see the blessings.

During the last few weeks, friends from church have helped us so much. When our kids were sick, they brought us Pedialyte and Gatorade. When our dryer broke during said sickness, they offered to dry our bedding. When I had an awful headache or just a rough day, they brought us dinner. When I had zero energy to clean, they came in and cleaned things up.

And it's not just a one-time thing; they are always there to help. I hope I can help others just as much as they've helped me. At this point in my life, I don't feel like there's much I can do. I can barely manage the needs of my own family right now.

Does realizing and focusing on all the blessings make the challenges magically disappear? Of course not. But it makes them more bearable.

Am I still trying to sort out some of our challenges? Absolutely.

We're still trying to get back to normal sleep schedules after the kids' illness and daylight savings.

We're still trying to get an internship for summer.

We're still in the market for a minivan and just discovered that we have less to work with than we thought.

We're still frustrated that the IRS played a nasty mind game on us (well, at least I am - John is more accepting and forgiving than I am). First they gave us over $900 more than we expected. Then we got an ambiguous letter about it that seemed to imply that it was legitimately ours. That was a month ago. We were thrilled, thinking we had $900 more to put toward a bigger car. Well, we just got a bill saying we now owe them over $900. Wouldn't it have been easier for them to just get it right to begin with? Now our refund is the exact amount that we anticipated, but they falsely got our hopes up by their incompetence. I think we can put that money to better use than the government can... I know it was in error, but still - it was cruel to get our hopes up like that and then dash them instantly. It'll all work out and I know it's not technically ours to begin with, but still. I'm not exactly happy about it...and of course I'm going to (begrudgingly) send them a check. Not a good idea to stiff the IRS ;)

Regardless of whatever challenges we face, we can't help but feel blessed, loved, and watched over. Some I honestly would rather not deal with; who really wants to send the IRS a big fat $900 check? But I'll deal with them nonetheless. After all, the way to growth is through trial.

I just need to learn to not complain about my challenges so much and have a better attitude in general. And that alone is an on-going trial. I'll get there. It may take years (and probably will) but I'll get there.

By Small and Simple Things - The Allegory of the Vacuum

It's amazing how sometimes the smallest, simplest things can make the biggest difference. A new haircut, a good night's sleep, an hour of time alone, a nutritious meal, a date night.

Or how a new baby can completely change the entire dynamic of a family in one instant, whether it's baby number one or baby number ten.

Take my vacuum, for example.

I know, I know, it sounds totally weird and it's a choppy transition, but, hear me out. It's an allegory from a stay at home mom. There really is a point here.

For a long time, our vacuum didn't really work very well. Ok, at all. It turned on, made all the motions, but never actually picked anything up. As a vacuum repair novice, I had no clue what to do. I cleaned all the filters, tried different settings, but nothing made a difference.

It turned out to be a broken belt. A vacuum won't vacuum without the belt. And it's a super easy fix. I thought it would be really stressful, since my only prior experience with vacuum belt replacement was watching my mom get stressed out, with the vacuum in shambles all over the floor.

However, even after everything was fixed and it worked again, it didn't quite pick up everything. It did a much better job than before, definitely, but it wasn't as thorough as I'd hoped.

Finally, I thought, "hm, maybe I need to change the floor setting to high carpet." So I tried it...

Oh. My. Gosh. It made a world of difference! It really CLEANS now! Not that my carpet stays clean for longer than 2 minutes...but still. It works! I'd tried that setting before, but that was when it had a broken belt.

Who knew that such a small, tiny change of setting could make such a huge difference?

And I honestly feel kind of dumb for not trying it sooner.

The same principle applies to me. The things I do or don't do can make the biggest difference in my day.

I recently found that when I read the scriptures at night, the next day goes SO much smoother than when I don't. I'm more patient, more tolerant, more understanding. I'm less likely to get frustrated, stressed out, and grumpy. I can get a lot more done in less time. I'm a much better wife and mother when I do.

I used to be skeptical when I heard people say that they could totally tell a difference between days they read and days they didn't. I didn't think it could possibly make THAT big of a difference. I know better now.

It can literally determine if I have a good day or a bad day.

I've even thought, "ok, tomorrow I have a ton to do, so I'm going to read my scriptures tonight so I'll have a good day and be able to do it all."

You'd think I'd be smart enough to want every day to be a good day, and therefore, read every single day.

Of course I want every day to be a good day. My brain finally kicked in and realized what it takes to make that happen.

And I've been reading. I'm not perfect at it; sometimes I miss a day, or sometimes I kind of gloss over the reading. But I've definitely gotten better at it.

And you know what? It really makes a difference. Such a small, simple thing. It really doesn't take that much effort. But it makes all the difference in the world.

The more often I read, the more effort I need to put into it to see the changes in my life. Reading each day doesn't magically make my day perfect. It takes work from me. Reading scriptures each day is just a part of the work required. And even so, something will always come up to test me. If it's not a teething baby or a 3 year old's attitude, it's something else. There will always be something.

I wouldn't grow if I wasn't tested. The better I become, the more I am tested. I need to constantly re-align myself.

Just like how my belt-less vacuum wasn't very effective until it got the repairs it needed and the settings changed, I am not as effective when I don't align myself where I need to be. Like my vacuum, my filters need constant cleaning to work properly.

Then, and only then, can I get closer to being who I want to be.

But I definitely need a lot of help along the way. Reading the scriptures each day is a huge part of that help.

It's such a simple thing, but it makes such a huge difference. Truly, "by small and simple things are great things come to pass."

Some Thoughts and Kid Updates

I'm a late night blogger, apparently. I don't know why. Maybe because I have Restless Brain Syndrome (ok, so I just made that up).

Or maybe because my children and husband are all sleeping peacefully.

Actually, I think it's a combination of those 2 things.

But once again, I have a lot on my mind late at night.

I should be sleeping. I know I'll regret staying up too late when I'm a total zombie in the morning.

But at least I don't have to go anywhere :D I love being a stay at home mom. I get to work in my PJs all day everyday. Seriously, what could be better than that?

That's not what I want to write about tonight, though.

Disclaimer: if you don't want to read goody goody churchy-ness, feel free to skip the next section of this post :)

Many of you may know that I'm a choir director at church. I direct the choir for our ward (congregation). We've been practicing for stake conference (basically, several congregations meeting together), which is next week. Thankfully, I do NOT have to conduct for that! Talk about scary.

We're singing 2 beautiful, inspiring songs. I love both of them. But one in particular touches me. You may (or may not) know it: How Can I Keep From Singing. Gorgeous gorgeous song. I bought a CD with this song on it several years ago, but I didn't know all the words until I had the sheet music in front of me.

You know how it's often hard to catch lyrics on choral pieces. Especially when you're multi-tasking. And most of my music listening occurs while driving or cooking, so obviously most of my attention goes to those tasks.

But this song is beautiful. I've always thought so. But I didn't know just how beautiful until I sang it myself.

And no, that's not a bragging "I'm such a great singer" statement.

Although there's truth to that as well ;)

No, the song itself is beautiful. I'm just an instrument in the orchestra, one of many voices in the choir.

Look it up if you don't know it, because seriously, it's gorgeous. It's about how beautiful the gospel is and how, knowing that, how can you not sing about it. The line that strikes me most is this:

"The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart."

Isn't that gorgeous? I love the imagery. Love love love it. And it's followed by:

"A fountain ever springing
All things are mine
Since I am His
How can I keep from singing?"

Seriously, this gives me chills. I can't adequately describe how much I love this, how much it touches me. I won't even try. I couldn't do it justice. But I love it. It's so true.

And I know all of us need that peace, all of us need a fresh heart that only His peace can give.

Something else struck me during the stake choir rehearsal today (er, yesterday now). While we went over the men's verse, I watched Emma climb all over the organ bench.

I realized her birthday is next month. Intellectually, I've known that for awhile. I've started on her birthday gifts and everything. But today, it really hit me.

My little girl is almost 3. 3!

And I got emotional. I started tearing up, mid-rehearsal. And it wasn't even a part that I sing in, so I couldn't claim the music caused it or anything.

My baby is nearly 3 years old. My tiny, 6 lbs 11 oz baby. The teeny tiny girl who wore newborn clothes for 3 months, who has spent most of her life below the 5th percentile for weight.

Heck, she still wears some 18 month clothes. And her baby brother is now in 12 month sleepers...

It's strange to think it's been almost 3 years since she officially joined our family. It goes so fast.

And yet, I can't imagine life without her.

I think of her as she is now. It's strange to look back at pictures of her as a baby. I know she was a baby, and she was a dang cute baby (and no I'm not at all biased), but I don't really think of her as a baby. It's hard to remember her that way. I think it's because I spend all day every day with her and have watched her gradual growth and development.

I'm glad I've taken so many pictures and written down milestones and such. Otherwise, I'm not sure I'd be able to fully remember it all.

I'm continually amazed by the things she learns. She's such a smarty. She's learning her letters and their sounds. She recognizes many of them. I think she'll be full on reading by the time she's 4. At the rate she's going, I'm sure she will be. She's a smart kid.

I love that she says every kid is her friend. When she sees or hears other kids, she says, "oh it's my friend!" I love that. What a great attitude to have. I want to be more like that.

She said the cutest thing today. She was talking about her friend who's moving this week. We were going to babysit the other day so her parents could go to the temple, but it didn't work out. I told Emma we might have her over while her parents pack up and clean. She replied, "they go to the temple, to get married!" She was really excited about it. I love that she already equates marriage with the temple.

It means I'm doing something right.

Not everything, by any stretch of the imagination.

But definitely something.

She's so totally ready for the dollhouse I'm making. She likes to make people with blocks and play with them. Today, she made Emma, Hyrum, and "her friend" and they played on some sort of block playground.

I love how creative she is. She "colors" (draws) all the time. Her drawings are becoming more and more recognizable as actual objects. She's getting pretty good at drawing faces and people.

It's now 2:30 in the morning...and my son is awake. I just fed him, but he wouldn't nurse back to sleep. He's wide awake. Looks like he's going to be my little blogging buddy for a bit.

It's his turn for an update now anyway.

Hyrum is learning so many things now. He can for real crawl a bit. He prefers to army crawl. He's a little torpedo on his tummy. He'll get in real crawling position on his hands and knees, start going a little, lose his balance, and continue on his tummy.

He's cruised a little bit. He's so efficient at army crawling that other modes of mobility aren't as enticing. He's really good at pulling to stand now.

Hyrum now says mama!! I love love love it. Cutest thing ever. I try to get him to say dada, but he won't have it. Poor John. He's such a mama's boy. He does love his daddy, too. Sometimes I swear he says Emma, but her name is so easy to say that I can't be sure. I'd like to think he says it. I wouldn't be too surprised if he does. He just adores his big sister.

He waves! It's so cute! And he points. He's mastered the pincer grasp as well. He's all about the self-feeding...especially when he sees us eating. Or when it comes to forbidden non-food objects. He's like a human vacuum. I really need to pick up Emma's droppings (ok, that sounds sooo gross) after meals before he gets to them.

Gyah, and now Emma's up, too. Hopefully this means they'll sleep in for me? Here's hoping. Guess we'll have to call it a "night" for now.