Saturday, July 10, 2010


If you want to skip over this post, by all means, do so. There's not really anything interesting in it. It's just me rambling about things. No pictures, no digiscrap templates or pages, no kid updates - nothing fun and interesting like that. So unless you want to delve into my psyche with me, feel free to skip this post.

No, it's just me, trying to sort through my insecurities and self esteem issues. And I doubt anyone's really going to bother reading this anyway. I think only a tiny handful of people actually read things here anyway. Sure, I have some followers, but I think they're only here for the free templates. I don't think anyone (besides like, my parents and a couple others) actually *read* what I post. I doubt even my closest friends read it. I know my husband doesn't, but he's not much of a computer person - and everything I post are things he already knows about anyway.

So why am I bothering to write it out here? It's therapeutic. Writing always has been for me. I *did* get my degree in English, after all. And maybe this is partially a cry for help, I don't know. But mostly, I just need to get it out. It's been eating away at me for ages.

This isn't anything new and revolutionary. It isn't one of those "I just woke up to an amazing revelation" moments. No, this is something I've had problems with for YEARS. And I probably always *will* have issues with it.

If you've bothered to read this far (which I doubt), you're probably wondering what the heck I'm talking about. It's hard to explain. I'm struggling to put these feelings into words...but I'll try. I need to get this out. On "paper."

I am insecure. Not with my husband or my children, but with myself. With my parenting abilities, with my appearance, with my so-called talents, with my social skills. I feel like I'm the worst mom and housekeeper. My house is a sty more often than not and my poor kids have to put up with ME everyday. I know. Putting up with me is torture in and of itself. You know the old adage "when Mom's not happy nobody's happy?" Yeah, it's true. When I'm grouchy, everyone else is, too. And then I get MORE grouchy - especially when my 2 year old reprimands me with "no fussing, Mommy" or "Mommy needs a time out."

And I'm horribly selfish. I know parenthood is supposed to be selfless, but a selfish brat. There's really no other way to say it. I really am a selfish brat. Especially with my poor husband. I try not to be, and I really don't *want* to be that way, but...I don't really know how *not* to be. I don't know how to change that.

I do think I'm a good mom, for the most part. There's definitely room for improvement, but then, isn't there always? The main thing is that my kids know they are loved, and they're clothed, fed, and happy. It seems like all the other moms out there have everything perfectly together with healthy homemade meals every night, immaculate homes, perfectly behaved children, flawless marriages, etc...and I don't. I honestly don't know how they do it. My house is a sty and we frequently eat lazy meals. And I probably spend too much time at the computer. I'm a horrible homemaker - which sucks because that is one of my 2 primary roles.

And my appearance. Oh, my appearance. I could write a novel on this one. But I won't, since it's not the main thing bothering me right now. Suffice it to say, I'm fat, ugly, and grotesque. I may technically weigh less now than I did when I got pregnant with my first baby, but you totally can't tell. I'm all stretched out into all kinds of grossness. I shed a ton of weight the first couple months after Hyrum was born (double what I gained), but the weight loss halted when I had my gallbladder removed. I've been pretty much stagnant ever since. I go walking...but I also eat too much junk. I'm a stress eater, which certainly doesn't help. And the stretchmarks. Oh, the stretchmarks. I still have an inner-city road map all across my abdomen - and my baby is 6 months old. I'm thinking Paris. Have you seen how crazy the roads (and drivers) are there? Especially around L'arc de Triomph. INSANE. As for the road map of stretchmarks, I don't think it'll ever go away.

But the main thing that's been bothering me lately are the social interaction insecurities. I feel like I'm so socially awkward these days. Granted, my daily social interaction typically consists of "Emma, do you need to go potty?" and "are you hungry, Hyrum?" Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to talk to adults other than my husband. And when I *do* get to talk to other adults, I'm so awkward and nerdy, which only makes me *more* nervous, and therefore, more awkward and nerdy. I feel like an outsider on my own conversations. It seems like I'm only invited into a conversation because others feel sorry for me. "Oh, poor Sara; she's a stay at home mom who doesn't have any friends." Yeah, pretty much.

Sure, I guess I kind of have friends. I mean, people are nice to me and I'm nice to them and all that. No one's ever blatantly rude to me or anything. Well, other than my relatives;) Everyone is polite and tries to include me when we go to church activities and whatnot. But no one really seeks out my friendship. Everyone else seems to be super close friends with each other and always doing fun things together...and I am never invited.

I'm sure it's mostly my own fault since I rarely invite others to do things with me. But that's mainly because I'm so preoccupied with keeping my family clothed, fed, and happy. I don't like to be in charge of social gatherings. I like to go to them, but I don't like hosting much.

All the same, I feel like people only think of me when they see me, and more of as an after thought. Or maybe when they see my Facebook status. Certainly not as a priority or anything. By "people" I mean people other than my immediate family. Obviously, my children and husband see me as a central figure in their lives. But do I really matter to anyone else? ...Probably not. At least, not very much.

What really stings is when I'm in a conversation with a group of people and they're all talking about something funny that happened when they were all hanging out together - when of course I wasn't invited to that gathering. And while the story may be hilarious, I sit there thinking, "ouch," like an outside witness to everyone else's lives.

And to add insult to injury, someone (no idea who, honestly) dropped me as a Facebook friend today. When I was already feeling like this. Thanks. I'm sure it's someone I don't really know, and therefore who doesn't really know me, but still. Ouch. "Why don't you just give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?" (Now envisioning cries of "Humperdink! Humperdink! Humperdiiiink! Humperdink Humperdink Humperdink." Ah, classic.)

I feel like people don't really like me. Like they're nice to me only because they "have" to be, because it's rude *not* to be. Not because they actually care about *me*. Maybe I feel this way because *I* don't truly like me. Maybe it's a result of a lifetime of insecurities and self esteem issues, a lifetime of seeking out validation from others and not receiving it, when I should be seeking it from my Heavenly Father. He loves me, regardless of whether others do or not. My husband and children love me, too - though I can't fathom *why*.

It's hard to remember that, though, when I try to interact with those I see as friends. And fail miserably because I totally sound like the biggest, most awkward nerd ever.

I probably need some sort of therapy. Not that I could afford it. I'm having a hard enough time trying to justify asking my husband for this necklace for my birthday next month. He's a sweetheart and I know he'll want to get it for me...I just can't justify the expense to myself right now. I have a hard time spending money on things just for *me* when we have to worry about rent, utilities, diapers, clothing for kids, etc.

I hesitated to write this because I don't want people to make me their charity pity case. I want people to like me for *me*, not because they feel sorry for me.

Now that I've awkwardly typed your poor eyes off (not that anyone's read this far anyway), I'd better go see to my family. I *should* do some cleaning today. We'll see if that happens. Writing this out has made me feel better. It didn't magically solve the problem, nor did I expect it to, but it made me feel better. And that's at least a step in the right direction.


  1. Well.... I actually read it all, and always do.
    I am a lurker at heart though and rarely comment.
    I can empathize with how you feel, especially socially. I feel exactly the same way...
    I don't have kids and I do work part time outside of the house... but I still feel like an afterthought or a wife attachment - the one that comes with the deal if you invite the husband...

  2. Thank you:) It feels good to know someone not related to me actually reads my random ramblings:)

    It's not a fun way to feel though, is it? I feel like a wife attachment, too - I think people would invite us over more if I weren't such a dork. My husband is way more likable than I am. He's one of those people you can't NOT like.

  3. I'm another loyal reader too. I came to your blog for the templates but got hooked by the cute pics & updates on your family.
    I have a Jan 2010 babe as well:)
    I often feel the same as you on the social front too. My dh works overseas so all my daily conversations are with children, ugh!
    No advice sorry, just thought I'd tell you that your not alone.

  4. Haha, what she said, I'm terrible at commenting though. It actually surprised me, you and John are some of the most easy to talk to people I know, and that's a fact. You were the first and pretty much only friends we had for a long time when we moved to Cambridge. If it makes you feel any better, I feel completely socially awkward too! Actually, I relate to all of the above. Sometimes I struggle more than at other times, but I really just try to remind myself that I'm a huge work in progress, and shift my focus to something positive, even if that one thing is that I woke up slightly less grumpy than usual or that I spent one less hour on the computer (it sinks you in, I totally understand that!). That way it makes it easier to deal when all of my other faults come crashing in. Other things that help me are spending time outside in nature, alone, which hasn't happened for me for so long it's pathetic... and any kind of service. For some reason they just remind me that I'm more than what I see in myself. I just think you're so great Sara! I definitely empathize with all of it, and honestly, it's a little comforting and refreshing to know that I'm not the only one struggling with these things. Feel better soon!

  5. Thanks!! January 2010 is a great month for babies;)

    It's good to know I'm not the only one who deals with this. Not that it's good that anyone deals with it,'s nice to know I'm not alone. I think all of us feel this way sometimes.

    LOL, I'm horrible at commenting on blogs, too. Heck, life is so busy that I'm horribly behind on READING them.

    Honestly, just writing this out has made me feel SO much better. It always does:) I try to focus on positive things, too.

    Vicki, if you ever need to go on a walk or run or something by yourself, feel free to drop your son off over here:) I'm sure our kids would have way too much fun wreaking havoc in my messy house LOL!

  6. Sara...I completely understand where you are. My kids were farther apart than yours, but the exhaustion of having those two little ones, plus a husband and house to care's completely draining. Give yourself another 3-6 months to feel human again- I never feel like we're doing more than just trying to EXIST during the first 12 months of new baby. Yeah, they're cute. Yeah, it's wonderful. But MAN is it tiring! The stretch marks never go away (I've never seen the "fading" that they're supposed to do, have you?) Your husband, I'll bet, still thinks you're the hottest mama on the planet. And, well...if he doesn' can find a way to convince him :) I read some advice in a book yesterday- if your marriage feels tired, try to get your spouse to go on a date with you. Try as HARD as you did when you first met. Flirt, admire, stand a little straighter. You know, even if it's microwave burritos by candlelight after the kids go to bed, it's still kind of fun :) (Do you remember Kim Nelson? It's from one of his books- you should get them at the library!)

    Wish I was closer!

  7. Thanks! It is pretty exhausting and frustrating to want try to clean and have absolutely NO luck because my baby cries if he's not held. And cleaning while holding a baby (even in a nice carrier) just doesn't work well for me. And no, my stretchmarks never faded either. Thankfully only my husband and doctors will ever see! I just wish the actual stretching would disappear, you know? You're right, though - John thinks I'm gorgeous...and I tell him he's delusional! We do try to have a date night every week, but it's usually an at-home movie night after the kids are in bed. Is that from his Happily Forever After book? I love that one! It's on my shelf. I should read it again.

  8. Just wanted you to know that I totally understand how you feel. I think most women feel these things at different times throughout their lives. I'm married with 3 kids -- 7, 5 and 5 months (yes, an almost January 2010 baby born on Feb. 1st). The hardest time for me was when my 2nd was born and I had to take care of a newborn and a 2 year old -- just like you. It does get better and it's totally worth it. Don't worry about the messy house. Mine is always messy -- we have children! Plus, life is too busy to clean all the time. I prefer to spend my time playing with my kids. Hope you feel better. BTW, when I feel down I surf and your templates really pick me up! THanks.

  9. I just stumbled on your blog, today, while I was being totally lazy. And, other than our blatantly obvious differences...Did you actually jump into my brain and type out how I feel???
    I have one kid, not two, and she's 3-1/2. I look at other moms and think - how do you keep your house clean, make great meals every night, discipline your kid without screaming, show infinite patience in the middle of tantrums and misbehavior? I, too, feel many times that people only remember me if they see something I post on Facebook. And, since I discovered FB, I post ALL THE TIME! I guess maybe that's so I'm in their faces and not forgotten - I feel I'm forcing myself on everyone. I could go on and on, more, about how many things you said that I could relate to all too well. But, you have your life to handle, not my life to read about!! Too bad we aren't neighbors, and we could have a pity party, when needed, and help each other get back up when we're down. I, too, know that God's love and how I look to Him is the most important. But, sometimes, you just need a good friend to be all self-pitying around, and then you'll pick yourself up by your bootstraps and be fine, again! We moved to Texas from Washington State, and I miss having those close friends to go hang out with for that very reason! I'm adding your blog to my favorites, and I will read your posts!!

  10. Hey, so I read the whole thing too. Turns out you're more liked than you thought! I hope you weren't talking about me when you were talking about the other perfect moms because really, I have times when I completely lose my temper, forget to give my kids baths, don't get to shower for a few days, and don't get around to vacuuming our floor so that there's a couple weeks worth of nasty food around the table. It's discusting! It's true that you are not the only one in need of improvement. I believe every Mom is. And I'm never invited to anything either. The only time we hang out with people other than family is when we do the inviting. I think it's because most people just see it as, oh, they're older, wiser, and have children, so they can't just up and go like we can, and I think they feel intimidated. Maybe not all of them, but I think a lot. When I was newly married and found out someone around my age had already been married for a couple years I was like, wow. Anyway, I think you need to stop beating yourself up! Stretch marks-totally got them! Scott doesn't care, and I'm sure Jon doesn't either. And who else sees them anyway? We don't run around in bikinis! haha, anyway, I think you're awesome and thanks for being a great visiting teacher!

  11. Hey- I read the whole thing too. :) I frequent your blog, but I'm not always the best at commenting either. So ditto to the above comments. Being a mom is hard. But you are most certainly not alone. Thank goodness for awesome husbands. :)

  12. I read it too Sara! Thanks for being so honest! It must be nice to be able to write it all out, I tend to keep it all inside until I blow up (literally, ok not literally). But really, I feel the same way. I have the opposite problem though, when my house is messy I get SUPER stressed out and so instead, I clean compulsively and my children are often crying or in need of something. Oh man, I am so uptight. Anyways, you are not alone! Motherhood is not for the faint of heart : )

  13. I'll admit, I really like your templates; but I did read every word of your post, and identify with much of what you said. I'm so glad God loves and values us; and how blessed we are to have husbands who do so, as well!

  14. Hi Sara!
    I too read your blog, and I don't really care about the templates, sorry :) I just like you, and I like to read about your family! I miss your ward. And I miss it because there were a lot of nice people like you there.
    You are awesome! And I would be happy to get together sometime.